As the Census Bureau gears up for its official 2010 count of U.S. residents, Director-nominee Robert Groves says the Bureau's biggest challenge will be to tally the number of illegals living within our borders. (Current estimates range from eight million to 30 million, and possibly even a gazillion.)
Since illegals are suspicious of anyone with a clipboard, Groves said Latinos, Latinas and their children (Latinettes) will simply refuse to answer the door when census takers go house-to-house in their neighborhoods.
"Instead," Groves said, "census workers will contact illegals where they all go for free health care -- hospital emergency rooms. On a given day in 2010, at the very same hour, our people will descend on thousands of ER's across the nation. We will not kick ass, but we will take names."
After that, Groves said, estimating the entire illegal population is a simple case of multiplication. "At any given moment, 10 percent of all undocumented immigrants in America are sitting in ER rooms. We just multiply our ER totals by 10, and that's the magic number."
Hospital administrators in California, Texas and Arizona were enthusiastic about the plan, and expressed hope some illegals might seek alternative health care to avoid the census.
"Like hundreds of other ER's, we allow taco vendors in the parking lot and employ a mariachi band to keep patients entertained during the long waits," one said. "Unfortunately, this has caused some unintended side effects."
The "side effects" have been cases of critically ill U.S. citizens refusing transport to hospital ER's because of the waiting time and the Latino, Latina and Latinette atmosphere.
As one heart attack victim told first-responders to his home: "I'd rather die peacefully in my own bed than listen to that damn mariachi music for 10 hours."
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