Lester the Molester Says Michael "Our Hero"

"It's tough being a child molester," Lester told me in an exclusive jailhouse interview, "but Michael Jackson gave us hope."

"How's that?" I asked.

"Have you seen the coverage, man? It's all about the music, baby...nobody cares what he did in the bedroom with little boys."

"He did pay out millions to alleged victims," I said, "but that was just to 'buy him some peace.' "

"No doubt," Lester said. "There ain't no peace in prison for a child molester."

"I can't believe a musical genius would abuse little boys," I said. "I mean, have you seen the moon walk?"

"Exactly my point!" Lester the Molester said. "Us poor run-of-the-mill, no-talent molesters are totally hated by society. Everywhere we go parents tell their kids, 'Look out for Lester the Molester -- Stay away from Lester the Molester.' Gosh, why should we be defined by one little aspect of our personalities?"

"Probably because sexually abusing kids is irredeemably detestable," I offered.

"I repeat, have you seen the coverage? We got big-time newscasters and celebrities practically weeping over Michael. I tell ya, he's given us real hope for the first time."

"But there's no cure for pedophilia, Lester. Once a child molester, always a child molester."

"Man, you just don't get it. We don't need no stinking cure."

"You don't?"

"Hell, no! All we need are singing and dancing lessons."