Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who is conducting a full-scale review of government policy on homosexuals in the military, says he is finalizing plans to form an all-gay division in the U.S. Army.
"Every soldier in the outfit, from two-star general to the lowliest private, will be gay or lesbian and damn proud of it," Gates said. "Don't ask, don't tell, just isn't working. The policy of the new division will be, 'If you're here, you're queer.' "
A Pentagon spokesman said planners are currently looking for a suitable nickname for the all-homosexual force.
"The Rainbow Division would have been perfect, but it's already taken," he said. "The finalists are The Fighting Flames, The Gay Caballeros and -- the leading contender -- The Rump Rangers."
Gates admits that an all-gay force has its critics. "Some are suggesting that sexual activity in the ranks will run rampant, perhaps in detriment to the military mission. But I have faith that gays in the Army -- just like their straight counterparts -- will be soldiers first and horny sonsabitches second."
An all-gay division, the Secretary said, will also eliminate the main argument against allowing admitted homosexuals to serve in frontline units.
"The contention is that a heterosexual G.I. would be uneasy sharing a foxhole with someone who might want his bod," Gates said. "But if you're a proud member of The Rump Ranger Division, there's no sexual tension whatsoever. You and your buddy are right on the same page, and you're damn glad of it."
If the Rump Ranger experiment proves successful, the U.S. Navy -- which Marine Corps sources claim is predominantly homosexual -- will be the next service to field an all-gay force.
"My understanding," said Marine Corps Sgt. Buck Jones, "is that the entire Seventh Fleet will be designated gays only. And if that works out, the Sixth Fleet will be right behind them."
