Dude With Tude

All-Gay Army Division Planned by Secretary Gates

Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who is conducting a full-scale review of government policy on homosexuals in the military, says he is finalizing plans to form an all-gay division in the U.S. Army.

"Every soldier in the outfit, from two-star general to the lowliest private, will be gay or lesbian and damn proud of it," Gates said. "Don't ask, don't tell, just isn't working. The policy of the new division will be, 'If you're here, you're queer.' "

A Pentagon spokesman said planners are currently looking for a suitable nickname for the all-homosexual force.

"The Rainbow Division would have been perfect, but it's already taken," he said. "The finalists are The Fighting Flames, The Gay Caballeros and -- the leading contender -- The Rump Rangers."

Gates admits that an all-gay force has its critics. "Some are suggesting that sexual activity in the ranks will run rampant, perhaps in detriment to the military mission. But I have faith that gays in the Army -- just like their straight counterparts -- will be soldiers first and horny sonsabitches second."

An all-gay division, the Secretary said, will also eliminate the main argument against allowing admitted homosexuals to serve in frontline units.

"The contention is that a heterosexual G.I. would be uneasy sharing a foxhole with someone who might want his bod," Gates said. "But if you're a proud member of The Rump Ranger Division, there's no sexual tension whatsoever. You and your buddy are right on the same page, and you're damn glad of it."

If the Rump Ranger experiment proves successful, the U.S. Navy -- which Marine Corps sources claim is predominantly homosexual -- will be the next service to field an all-gay force.

"My understanding," said Marine Corps Sgt. Buck Jones, "is that the entire Seventh Fleet will be designated gays only. And if that works out, the Sixth Fleet will be right behind them."

Lesbians, Keep Your "Wives" to Yourself

I recently saw a lesbian contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" who found it necessary to utter the words "my wife" on two occasions to host Meredith Vieira. Meredith, who wouldn't say bull----! if she had a mouthful, never missed a beat.

When I mentioned this to my wife -- a real wife who is married to a man -- she said on the same day a female singer also referred to her "wife" while being interviewed on a national morning show.

Since neither of us had witnessed this before, I suspect lesbians are getting so well organized they are now being provided with "talking points" for pushing gay marriage. No longer will a lesbian in the media eye speak discreetly of her "friend," or "life partner" or "significant other."

Now it will be "my wife." Their strategy -- and it works well with the goofy masses -- is to turn the once-unthinkable into the familiar by constant repetition. (This same tactic has been used to convince mainstream America that Chihuahuas are dogs, rather than the barking rats they really are.)

On the flip side, I doubt if gay men will start calling their partners "my husband" with regularity. Men calling their lovers "my husband" conjures up visual atrocities that straight people cannot entertain without exercising the gag reflex again and again.

I'm open-minded, but not to same-sex marriage. Open minds that erect no barriers to nonsense, wind up with an intellectual landfill between their ears.

Same-sex marriage is a religious, sociological and biological perversion. If you're a man who wants to live with a man, or a woman who wants to live with a woman, I don't care. But I also don't care to have it jammed down my throat on national TV.

Just do it and shut up about it.