Dude With Tude

Census Bureau to Count Illegals by Raiding ER's

As the Census Bureau gears up for its official 2010 count of U.S. residents, Director-nominee Robert Groves says the Bureau's biggest challenge will be to tally the number of illegals living within our borders. (Current estimates range from eight million to 30 million, and possibly even a gazillion.)

Since illegals are suspicious of anyone with a clipboard, Groves said Latinos, Latinas and their children (Latinettes) will simply refuse to answer the door when census takers go house-to-house in their neighborhoods.

"Instead," Groves said, "census workers will contact illegals where they all go for free health care -- hospital emergency rooms. On a given day in 2010, at the very same hour, our people will descend on thousands of ER's across the nation. We will not kick ass, but we will take names."

After that, Groves said, estimating the entire illegal population is a simple case of multiplication. "At any given moment, 10 percent of all undocumented immigrants in America are sitting in ER rooms. We just multiply our ER totals by 10, and that's the magic number."

Hospital administrators in California, Texas and Arizona were enthusiastic about the plan, and expressed hope some illegals might seek alternative health care to avoid the census.

"Like hundreds of other ER's, we allow taco vendors in the parking lot and employ a mariachi band to keep patients entertained during the long waits," one said. "Unfortunately, this has caused some unintended side effects."

The "side effects" have been cases of critically ill U.S. citizens refusing transport to hospital ER's because of the waiting time and the Latino, Latina and Latinette atmosphere.

As one heart attack victim told first-responders to his home: "I'd rather die peacefully in my own bed than listen to that damn mariachi music for 10 hours." 

No Sparklers for Iran Diplomats on 4th of July

President Obama's invitation to Iranian diplomats to attend July 4th celebrations at U.S. embassies around the world still stands, despite the regime's brutal crackdown on its citizens.

"In light of current events, however," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "the Iranians will not be accorded the same privileges as other invitees. For example, none of them will be given complimentary sparklers."

"Everyone will have sparklers except the Iranians?" I asked.

"Yes, and they're going to feel like total idiots," Gibbs said. "They'll just have to stand around with their hands in their pockets, or wherever it is Iranians put their hands when they don't have sparklers to wave."

"Some people think the invitation to the Iranians should have been withdrawn altogether," I said.

"Sparkler deprivation is only part of their punishment," Gibbs continued. "They will also be turned away at the hot dog and soda pop lines."

"No hot dogs or sodas for the Iranians?"

"The President has made it crystal clear: Kill your people for protesting an election -- no free hot dogs from Uncle Sam. He has drawn a line in the mustard."

"What about the fireworks display?" I asked. "Will they be allowed to watch?"

"We will ask that they close one eye," Gibbs said. "But we're not sure we can trust the bastards."

Obama Kills Raccoon After CNBC Interview

Shortly after President Obama killed a fly with his bare hand during a filmed interview with CNBC, the body of a raccoon that has lived on the White House grounds since 1988 was discovered by Secret Service agents.

"It appears Snuffy was murdered, apparently by a blow to the head," one agent said.

Snuffy, a gift to then-President Reagan by British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, largely stayed out of sight but was well known to White House insiders for his gentle disposition and fetish for sugar cubes.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs initially claimed no knowledge of Snuffy's demise, but later told journalists Obama accidentally killed the raccoon during "some playful roughhousing" immediately after the CNBC interview.

"After the fly encounter, the President's blood was up," Gibbs said. "Mr. Obama was just going to box Snuffy's ears a little, but things got out of hand. Snuffy was old, and he could get cranky when people screwed with him."

An eyewitness to the raccoon's death offered a different account. "The President was looking for trouble," the source said. "He chased Snuffy down, snatched him up by the scruff of the neck, and slugged him with a closed fist. It was awful."

The source said Obama then shouted, "I got the sucker!" -- the same words he used after killing the fly.

A spokesman for PETA said they were saddened by Snuffy's death, but would not seek an investigation.

"Snuffy had a good life," PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said. "We have to believe if Mr. Obama killed him, he must have had a damn good reason."

Alaska Wilderness Trip to Decide GOP Leadership

In an effort to pick the new leader of the Republican Party, Sarah Palin has invited top GOP politicians to a two-week "Alaska Outdoor Adventure" in early October. According to Palin, participants "will live off the land, engage in trust-building exercises, and if we're really lucky, maybe even knock off a grizzly bear."

"I already have commitments from Cheney, Giuliani, Gingrich and Rove," Palin said, "and Mitt Romney and Rush Limbaugh also indicate they'll attend."

While plans for the outing have yet to be finalized, the group will be ferried by helicopter into one of Alaska's remotest regions and left to their own devices for up to 14 days.

"Dick Cheney and I will be armed for sure," Palin said, "and anyone else who wants to carry a sidearm or rifle will be encouraged to do so. We'll only be eating what we shoot, so I'm hoping everyone will be packing."

Alaska's governor said she came up with the idea in response to Democratic charges that the GOP is a ship without a rudder since the November election. "Well, let me tell you," she said, "when this trip is over, we're going to by God have us a leader."

When asked if all the politicians were healthy enough for the adventure, Palin smiled and said, "That's what this is all about. Anybody who starts crying for his mama, or even -- God forbid -- croaks out there, is not the person we want leading the Party."

Palin admitted she may have an advantage because she is younger and more experienced in the wilderness.

"But some of the older guys just might surprise us," she said. "In a life and death situation, if you toss a Bowie knife on the ground between Limbaugh and Gingrich, you're going to see one helluva cat fight."

Obama Appears to Black Student During Math Test

Researchers are suggesting the election of our President has resulted in an "Obama Effect," which is mysteriously causing black students to suddenly score higher on standardized tests.

While the findings are anecdotal, a black college student I interviewed said he witnessed the Obama Effect firsthand while taking a finals math test in May.

"In order to solve a complex equation," Tyrell Washington told me, "I first had to know the product of 12x12. Before Barack was elected, I got it wrong every time."

"Did you know the correct answer?" I asked.

"Yes, but the stereotype said I was expected to underachieve and I fulfilled the prophecy. I always screwed it up and scored lower than the white kids, the Asian kids and an Indian dude named Singh."

"So what happened during your math final,Tyrell? How did you break through 200 years of stereotypical subjugation?"

"Well, there it was again on the exam -- 12x12 -- leering at me like a slavemaster on a Southern plantation. I started to write down 143, and then, miraculously, the face of Barack Obama slowly materialized on the blackboard. He spoke to me."

"What did he say, Tyrell? Did he tell you anything is possible if you have the drive and will to succeed? Did he tell you it wasn't The Man keeping you down, but your very own fear and insecurity? Did he tell you if he could become President, you could certainly learn the times tables?"

"He said, 'It's 144, dumb ass! Put down 144!' "

"The President simply gave you the answer? Isn't that called cheating?"

"No, sir. It's called the Obama Effect."

Saudi King Shows Obama Photos of Wives

Prior to meeting "the wise and gracious" King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, President Obama told journalists one of the reasons for the trip was "to seek his Majesty's counsel." It is unknown if King Abdullah also sought the counsel of the President, but a partially released transcript of their private meeting provides some clues:

"You seek my counsel, Barack?"

"Yes, as I told reporters, you are a wise and gracious man."

"So true. Let me counsel you first about women. Take a look at this picture of my four wives. Actually, I've had dozens of wives, but I only admit to four at a time, heh, heh, heh."

"Please don't punch my shoulder, Your Majesty. Gosh...all I see are their eyes."

"Yes, under the laws of Hijab, I only allow them to view the world through tiny slits in their head coverings. Arab women are sacred life support systems for vaginas, so they must be protected at all costs."

"I never looked at it that way, Your Majesty, but you are wise and gracious to allow them tiny slits in their head coverings."

"They are sublimely pleased to serve me, and in return I give them nice things to wear in the bedroom. After all, I'm worth over 20 billions dollars."

"Only a very wise man could be so rich, Your Majesty. What did you do to earn such a fortune?"

"I was born to it."

"It is obvious, Your Majesty, that I was right to seek your counsel. But as long as I'm here, is there anything you'd like to ask me -- the President of the United States, the leader of the Western world?

"You came to me, Barack; I did not come to you."

How To Tell Your Child Why GM Went Broke

It will be a scene repeated in households all across Michigan this week. A small child, wide-eyed and frightened, will climb upon his father's knee and ask the question no parent there ever thought he'd hear...

"Daddy, why did General Motors go bankrupt?"

"Because, my son, they didn't listen to the three wise men."

"The wise men?"

"Yes, about 20 years ago, three wise men from afar came to Detroit with a message for all to hear. But the people at GM scorned them because they dressed differently and had strange sounding names."

"What were their names, Daddy?"

"Toyota, Nissan and Honda. They said people in other states --"

What are other states, Daddy?"

"A vast land thought to exist outside of Michigan. Anyway, these three wise men said people in other states were able to buy foreign cars that were reliable, lasted longer than five years and cost less money."

"That's funny, Daddy! Is this a fairy tale?"

"No, son, it turns out the wise men were telling the truth, but the people at General Motors laughed and said Americans will buy American cars no matter how crappy they are and that is just that. And they struck the wise men with rusted out fenders and rusted out rocker panels and drove them from the city."

"Are we going to buy one of those strange cars from other states, Daddy?"

"No, son...Daddy doesn't have a job anymore."

 

Judge Sotomayor Says White Is Not a Color

Before my phone interview with Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, a self-described "wise Latina woman" who is oozing with empathy for human beings, I was -- as the Latin folks say -- mucho excited.

Being a human in good standing, I figured it would be grand to have a Justice who really gets little ol' me as she considers all the weighty cases that end up before the highest court in the land.

"May I call you Sonia?" I began.

"No."

"Wise Latina Woman, I want to know if you feel empathy for little ol' me. I grew up in a small midwestern town with blue-collar parents who sacrificed more than I knew so my brother and I could be the first in our family history to go to college. How am I doing so far?"

"I'm starting to feel it," she said. "Did you live in a housing project like me?"

"No, Wise Latina Woman. We lived in a decent neighborhood in a decent house, mainly because my Old Man literally built it with his own hands from the ground up. The rest of us pitched in, but Dad did ninety percent of the work."

"It's not a housing project, but it's still good," she said. "You are definitely starting to qualify for some empathy."

"Oh goody," I said.

"But tell me something."

"Yes, Wise Latina Woman...?"

"You don't sound like a person of color. Were your parents black, Native American or Latino?"

"I'm colored white," I said. "Mom was Irish and the Old Man was German. Now, about that empathy..."

"You're dead to me, dipwad," she said, slamming down the phone.

Fatassitis Blamed for Few Flags on Memorial Day

A nationwide epidemic recently diagnosed by the Center for Disease Control is being blamed for the small percentage of Americans who flew the flag on Memorial Day.

In my living complex of 82 houses, for example, only six homes displayed a flag on the day that remembers those who died to keep America free. That translates to a mere seven percent of households that have escaped infection.

"The most obvious symptom of Fatassitis," said CDC director Thomas Frieden, "is an ass so humongous that once a victim sits down, he can't get off it."

"Sufferers can't get off their big fat asses?" I asked. "Is that why less than ten percent of Americans fly the flag on Memorial Day?"

"Yes," Dr. Frieden said. "They can get off their big fat asses to eat hamburgers and hot dogs and drink beer and go to the movies, but the complex physical movements required to display the flag are just too much for them."

"How complex is flying the flag?" I persisted. "I mean, Memorial Day honors all the GIs who spent most of their lives dead so the rest of us wouldn't have to."

"Fatassitis victims realize that intellectually," Frieden said, "but when faced with the multi-tasks of going to a store, paying ten bucks for a flag, then mounting it on their houses -- well, their big fat asses are just overwhelmed."

"Gosh," I said, "I had no idea what people with Fatassitis were going through. It must be terrible when you can't get off your big fat ass and do the right thing."

"It's tough all right," Frieden agreed. "Not as tough as dying for your country, but I wouldn't wish Fatassitis on anyone." 

Obama Accuses Personal Masseuse of Torture

The former Cheney family masseuse was fired this week by Barack Obama after she reportedly "inflicted intense pain on the President during a deep tissue massage."

"The woman got way too rough," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said. "It was her first session with Mr. Obama, and definitely her last. The President has red marks and slight bruising on several areas of his buttocks."

The masseuse in question, Swedish-born Olga Svennson, said the deep tissue massage she gave the President "was no different than what I gave Mr. Cheney dozens of times. And Dick always tell me, 'Oh, Olga, you hurt so good!' "

Svennson said she asked Obama before the session began what he preferred, and he said, 'Olga, whatever you think is best.' "

"I guess my best wasn't good enough," a heartbroken Svennson said. "I am big, strong woman, yah, and when I began kneading the deep muscles in the President's glutius maximus, he began screaming and shouting really strange things."

"What strange things?" I asked.

"Stuff like, 'Oh God, stop -- this is torture! I'll tell you whatever you wanna know, just don't knead my glutes anymore!' "

Svennson said she immediately switched to a gentle back massage, but the President continued to whimper and mumble about "secret access codes."

"I know nothing of these things," Svennson said. "I am only simple masseuse with big, strong hands. I just wish Mr. Cheney was still my client. He loved my hands. He always say, 'Olga, you hurt so good!' "