Dude With Tude

Overuse of Antidepressants Depresses Me

The report that a whopping 25.6 million U.S. adults (11 percent) are now on antidepressants seems to indicate more Americans have overwhelmingly come to the same conclusion as Adam and Eve after meeting the devil: life can be a pisser.

It's not just the 11 percent of us taking Prozac, Lexapro, Cymbalta and Ohshitohdear that leads to this conclusion. Another 64 percent of the population is on booze and six percent regularly risk prison for illegal drugs.

While many citizens occupy more than one category, I estimate of the 230 million adults in America, only about 25 percent of us go nose-to-nose with reality every day and night without first popping a pill, pouring a drink or smoking something funny.

I bring this up not to bring you down, but to suggest something is inherently wrong with this picture. Booze and bad drugs have always been with us, but the doubling of Americans on antidepressants in just four years says one of the following:

(1) Our coping mechanisms have been poorly engineered -- blame God, (2) life really is an overwhelming bitch -- back to the devil, or (3) the pharmaceutical companies are laughing at us all the way to the bank.

Pick window number 3.

By spending billions on clever and unrelenting advertising, the legal drug lords have convinced millions of Americans to ask their doctors if the slightest spike on their anxiety meters is something they should have to bear.

"Don't worry, be happy," the family doctors reply. And, with no more knowledge of psychiatry than you or I, they add one more name to the rolls of the drug-dependent.

I usually write for laughs, but I just couldn't find the humor in this one.

Fatassitis Blamed for Few Flags on Memorial Day

A nationwide epidemic recently diagnosed by the Center for Disease Control is being blamed for the small percentage of Americans who flew the flag on Memorial Day.

In my living complex of 82 houses, for example, only six homes displayed a flag on the day that remembers those who died to keep America free. That translates to a mere seven percent of households that have escaped infection.

"The most obvious symptom of Fatassitis," said CDC director Thomas Frieden, "is an ass so humongous that once a victim sits down, he can't get off it."

"Sufferers can't get off their big fat asses?" I asked. "Is that why less than ten percent of Americans fly the flag on Memorial Day?"

"Yes," Dr. Frieden said. "They can get off their big fat asses to eat hamburgers and hot dogs and drink beer and go to the movies, but the complex physical movements required to display the flag are just too much for them."

"How complex is flying the flag?" I persisted. "I mean, Memorial Day honors all the GIs who spent most of their lives dead so the rest of us wouldn't have to."

"Fatassitis victims realize that intellectually," Frieden said, "but when faced with the multi-tasks of going to a store, paying ten bucks for a flag, then mounting it on their houses -- well, their big fat asses are just overwhelmed."

"Gosh," I said, "I had no idea what people with Fatassitis were going through. It must be terrible when you can't get off your big fat ass and do the right thing."

"It's tough all right," Frieden agreed. "Not as tough as dying for your country, but I wouldn't wish Fatassitis on anyone." 

Obama Orders New Name for Swine Flu

While President Obama has assured Americans there is "no cause for alarm" over swine flu, aides say he has ordered Homeland Security to begin referring to the illness with a less intimidating name in hopes of avoiding widespread panic.

"The word 'swine' is a bit scary for most Americans," an Obama spokesman explained. "It says socially repugnant, it says no redeeming qualities, it says big and dirty and dangerous. It's a word only a farmer could love."

"What does the President want to call the illness?" I asked.

"Well, we have to remain true to the origins of the disease. We put together some focus groups and almost all of them said they have really good feelings about Porky Pig."

"The Looney Tunes character?"

"Exactly. From now on, all government agencies will call the illness the Porky Pig flu. Swine flu is frightening as hell, but nobody's scared of Porky Pig."

The spokesman said Washington -- like the Mexican government -- is also prepared to pass out millions of paper breathing masks to U.S. citizens. There is concern, however, that Muslims might take offense at non-believers covering their faces.

"We don't want them to think we're mocking Islam," the spokesman said. "To allay those fears, the Porky Pig flu masks will be imprinted with a message that makes their purpose perfectly clear."

"What message is that?"

"Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!" 

Job-Seeking Americans Fleeing to Mexico

The one bright spot in the U.S. economy is that more than a million illegal aliens returned to their homelands last year, and even more are projected to follow in 2009. As one exiting Guatemalan told CNN, "I just can't make it here anymore."

Americans can relate. In fact, reports of "reverse immigration" occurring along the southern border are increasing daily, with thousands of highly-educated U.S. citizens sneaking into Mexico in hopes of finding work. I spoke with one of those job-seekers as he prepared to swim the Rio Grande River.

"I'm looking for a better life in Mexico," he said, stripping down to his Speedos. "My plan is to send money home to my family in Palm Springs, and hopefully, one day they can join me."

"But what if you're caught by the Federales?" I asked. "Their immigration laws are a lot tougher than America's."

"The Mexican government realizes we're only taking jobs the Mexicans don't want," he said. "They have thousands of openings in medicine, science, engineering -- the opportunities for American professionals are endless."

Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, agreed: "We welcome Americans," he said, "especially those with advanced college degrees. We offer a lovely climate, inexpensive housing and much better food than Taco Bell."

Calderon said there is also employment in Old Mexico for less educated Americans willing to sneak into his country. "We have tons of vacancies in fast-food restaurants, carwashes and lawn maintenance," he said. "The Mexicanos who used to fill those positions fled to America years ago."

President Calderon emphasized, however, that illegal U.S. citizens must learn the native language quickly if they wish to remain. "We just don't have the funds to print everything in Spanish and in English," he said. "We don't think that's too much to ask."

Obama's Face on Five Dollar Bill?

A Long Island, N.Y. public school has become the first in America to rename itself after Barack Obama. Formerly called Ludlum, it is now Barack Obama Elementary School.

In related news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced plans are underway to redesign the five dollar bill to incorporate the face of Obama.

"The President supported me despite my failure to pay $34,000 in income taxes," Geithner said. "The least I can do is give him some face time on America's paper currency."

Abraham Lincoln is currently displayed on the five dollar bill, and Geithner was quick to address potential criticism over the revered President's removal.

"For heaven's sake, we're not going to get rid of Honest Abe," he chuckled. "I've instructed the Bureau of Engraving to put the faces of both men on the bill. Preliminary designs depict them with an arm around one another's shoulders as they gaze dramatically into the future."

What may be more controversial on the currency, Geithner admitted, are plans to replace "In God We Trust" with Obama's campaign slogan, "Yes We Can."

"'In God We Trust' has always stirred up a hornet's nest," the Treasury Secretary said, "while the slogan 'Yes We Can' is loved by everyone. We may even include the Hispanic version of the slogan, 'Si, se puede.' "

The news that "Si, se puede" might soon appear on five dollar bills set off wild celebrations in Hispanic communities across California and the Southwest.

"It's about time!" a Mexican-American shouted as he broke a pinata. "U.S. greenbacks are the only official documents still not printed in both English and Spanish. Si, se puede! -- Si, se puede! -- Si, se puede!"

Sen. Daschle Withdraws Nomination -- Admits Screwing IRS

Immediately after withdrawing his nomination for Health Secretary, former Sen. Tom Daschle decided to drop his "mistake and oversight" defense for not paying $138,000 in back taxes.

"I just wanted to screw the bastards," Daschle said, referring to the IRS. "I work hard for my money -- so why should I just hand it to the government? So they can throw it away on one stupid idea after another?"

Daschle admitted his original explanations were "not resonating" with the public. "I mean, they might understand forgetting to pay a couple thousand in taxes," he said, "but how do you make a $138,000 mistake? Despite my terrific smile, they  knew I was lying through my teeth."

Other politicians were quick to praise Daschle for his honesty and candor. Asking to remain anonymous ("I just don't have the stones that Tommy does"), a prominent senator claimed tax-cheating is universal in Washington.

"Tommy said out loud what all of us have thought for years," he said. "If you can find a way to stick it to Uncle Sam, go for it! Sure, we're part of the problem, but that doesn't mean we're gonna piss our own money away without a fight."

President Obama was also conciliatory toward his nominee for Health Secretary. "Hey, I knew his mistake and oversight defense was bogus, but at least he's telling the truth now. Shoot, I'd screw the bastards myself if I could get away with it."

Sen. Daschle was Obama's third high-profile appointee suspected of screwing the IRS. "Maybe I should just nominate everyone in Washington for something," the President joked. "The government would be in fat city if they all paid their back taxes."

Obama Ordered Roberts to do Penance

Chief Justice John Roberts belly-crawled to the White House on Wednesday to re-administer the oath of office to President Obama, a constitutional CYA made necessary by Roberts screwing up the wording on Inauguration Day.

Roberts appeared subdued in photos of the second ceremony, and I asked him if the President had displayed any hard feelings.

"Not at all," he said. "Other than insisting I wear a hairshirt under my robe, Mr. Obama was most gracious."

"One of those medieval shirts made from goats' hair? Don't they itch like crazy?"

"Oh, they're a pisser!" Chief Justice Roberts said. "But you know, I owed him one."

When informed of the hairshirt incident, former President Bush (George the Younger), was quick to leap to Roberts' defense. "The wording in the oath of office is difficult to begin with," he told me. "Anyone could mess it up."

"What's so difficult about it?" I asked.

"Well, that Solomon thing always bothered me," he replied.

"Solomon thing?"

"Yeah, where you have to say, 'I solomonly swear...'  It's a reference to King Solomon, who worked real hard at being wise all the time but was actually pretty stupid. He was the guy who wanted to cut a baby in half when two women claimed to be the mother. Puh-leeeeze! Man, that was about enough to make me hurl."

"We're going to miss you, Mr. President," I said.

Barack Obama, MLK, and the Promised Land

Hours before his assassination 40 years ago, a prophetic and melancholy Martin Luther King told folks in a Memphis church:

"Like anybody, I would like to live a long life...but I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over, and I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight that we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land."

At the time, I considered Martin Luther King a national pain in the ass. A showboat, a troublemaker, a gifted orator exploiting the black experience for personal gain and glory. Discrimination against his people was a minor problem, I thought, a condition confined to backward pockets south of the Mason-Dixon line.

To me, in 1968, King was a master exaggerator -- pounding a housefly with a sledgehammer while telling the world he was dueling a dragon.

I was wrong. I had measured the width and depth of discrimination from the inside out, and when we're young, the "out" is a narrow vision limited by our life experience. I hadn't witnessed significant prejudice in the northern city of my upbringing, or in college, or the Marines.

Therefore, King was a pain in the ass and his Promised Land a myth.

I was wrong. Discrimination was real, it was widespread, and it was devastating.

And King's Promised Land? That's also real, but it isn't a new place shimmering in the distance, visible only from the mountain top. The Promised Land is simply a change in the Caucasian mindset and heartset...an overdue realization that no matter where you dip the ladle into the melting pot, the contents come out American. Nothing more, nothing less.

When Dr. King said "we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land," he was talking only to blacks.

But it was really all of us who needed to get there.

President Barack Obama is proof we've arrived.