A nationwide epidemic recently diagnosed by the Center for Disease Control is being blamed for the small percentage of Americans who flew the flag on Memorial Day.
In my living complex of 82 houses, for example, only six homes displayed a flag on the day that remembers those who died to keep America free. That translates to a mere seven percent of households that have escaped infection.
"The most obvious symptom of Fatassitis," said CDC director Thomas Frieden, "is an ass so humongous that once a victim sits down, he can't get off it."
"Sufferers can't get off their big fat asses?" I asked. "Is that why less than ten percent of Americans fly the flag on Memorial Day?"
"Yes," Dr. Frieden said. "They can get off their big fat asses to eat hamburgers and hot dogs and drink beer and go to the movies, but the complex physical movements required to display the flag are just too much for them."
"How complex is flying the flag?" I persisted. "I mean, Memorial Day honors all the GIs who spent most of their lives dead so the rest of us wouldn't have to."
"Fatassitis victims realize that intellectually," Frieden said, "but when faced with the multi-tasks of going to a store, paying ten bucks for a flag, then mounting it on their houses -- well, their big fat asses are just overwhelmed."
"Gosh," I said, "I had no idea what people with Fatassitis were going through. It must be terrible when you can't get off your big fat ass and do the right thing."
"It's tough all right," Frieden agreed. "Not as tough as dying for your country, but I wouldn't wish Fatassitis on anyone."
Overuse of Antidepressants Depresses Me
The report that a whopping 25.6 million U.S. adults (11 percent) are now on antidepressants seems to indicate more Americans have overwhelmingly come to the same conclusion as Adam and Eve after meeting the devil: life can be a pisser.
It's not just the 11 percent of us taking Prozac, Lexapro, Cymbalta and Ohshitohdear that leads to this conclusion. Another 64 percent of the population is on booze and six percent regularly risk prison for illegal drugs.
While many citizens occupy more than one category, I estimate of the 230 million adults in America, only about 25 percent of us go nose-to-nose with reality every day and night without first popping a pill, pouring a drink or smoking something funny.
I bring this up not to bring you down, but to suggest something is inherently wrong with this picture. Booze and bad drugs have always been with us, but the doubling of Americans on antidepressants in just four years says one of the following:
(1) Our coping mechanisms have been poorly engineered -- blame God, (2) life really is an overwhelming bitch -- back to the devil, or (3) the pharmaceutical companies are laughing at us all the way to the bank.
Pick window number 3.
By spending billions on clever and unrelenting advertising, the legal drug lords have convinced millions of Americans to ask their doctors if the slightest spike on their anxiety meters is something they should have to bear.
"Don't worry, be happy," the family doctors reply. And, with no more knowledge of psychiatry than you or I, they add one more name to the rolls of the drug-dependent.
I usually write for laughs, but I just couldn't find the humor in this one.
Posted on August 05, 2009 at 08:02 PM in 27 million on antidepressants, antidepressant drugs, conservative humor, drug abuse, drug companies, pharmaceutical companies, political commentary, political humor, political satire | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
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