Dude With Tude

Gates Reluctant to Attend Obama Beer Party

While I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the following transcript, it was supposedly taken from a conversation this week between President Obama and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates.

"This is Henry Louis Gates, a black man living in America."

"Relax, Henry, it's me, Barack. We're on for Thursday night -- a picnic table outside the Oval Office."

"Be there or be square."

"Right on. Now, what kind of beer do you want, Henry?"

"What's that Irish redneck Crowley drinking? Wait, let me guess: Bud Light."

"No, I'm drinking Bud Light, Henry. Sgt. Crowley ordered Blue Moon."

"I'll blue moon his mama!"

"Henry, please, just tell what you're drinking."

"A nice 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor. Isn't that what we black men living in America drink?"

"Why not consider a Jamaican Red Stripe, Henry, or a Beck's beer from Germany?"

"I'll moon a German's mama!"

"Red Stripe it is. And Henry, I really need you to dial it down a little when we meet with Sgt. Crowley."

"Oh, yessa, boss, the black man living in America will be ever so polite to the nice White poh-leese officer. We don't want no trouble with da man, now do we?"

Thursday night, Henry, I'll meet you outside."

"I'll meet your mama outside!"

Sergeant Who Arrested Black Professor Living Under Bus

I wanted to interview Sgt. James Crowley, the White police officer in Cambridge who gained national notoriety for arresting the world famous Black Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates, for disorderly conduct.

"Sgt. Crowley can't talk right now," a police spokesman told me. "He's under the bus."

"He was thrown under the bus?" I asked.

"Yeah, the media threw him under first, but he started to crawl out after a couple days."

"Then what happened?"

"The Cambridge chief of police threw him under the bus," the spokesman said. "He told the county prosecutor to drop the charges against Professor Gates, and the prosecutor did."

"Did the Chief say Gates wasn't guilty?"

"No, he just wanted it to go away, so he threw Crowley under the bus."

"Is that why he's still under it?"

"Nope. He was wiggling out one more time, but then President Obama was asked about the case during his news conference."

"What did the President say?"

"He admitted he didn't have all the facts, but he said Professor Gates was his friend and the Cambridge police acted stupidly."

"So the President also threw Crowley under the bus?"

"Big time. And when the President throws you under the bus, you might as well make it your  home."

Obama Questions Jackson's Basketball Skills

Prior to departing Russia on Tuesday for the G-8 meeting in Italy, President Obama expressed frustration and regret that his first visit to Moscow was eclipsed by the Michael Jackson memorial service in Los Angeles.

"This week was supposed to be all about me," Obama told reporters. "Instead, the news is nothing but Michael, Michael, Michael." In a rare public expletive, the President then shook his head and muttered, "Sheee-it!"

A mortified Michelle Obama attempted to lead her husband away from shocked reporters, but Mr. Obama was having none of it.

"I mean, really, what had Jackson done beyond the musical world? The guy couldn't even play basketball. I would've dunked on him like he was a little girl. Sheee-it!"

"Barack," the First Lady pleaded, "you're scaring the children."

"No, they need to hear this!" the President snapped. "I could have spent my early years just like him -- singing with the brothers on street corners, dancing the alligator for nickels and dimes from the rich folk passing by. But no! I set my sights on Harvard Law School and became President of the United States."

"Everyone knows you can sing and dance," Michelle said. "And yes, you could dunk on Michael."

"With either hand, Michelle. With either hand."

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Mr. Obama's remarks must be read in context to be correctly understood.

"All the President was suggesting," Gibbs said, "was that Michael Jackson was a mediocre basketball player. There's no shame in that."

No Sparklers for Iran Diplomats on 4th of July

President Obama's invitation to Iranian diplomats to attend July 4th celebrations at U.S. embassies around the world still stands, despite the regime's brutal crackdown on its citizens.

"In light of current events, however," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "the Iranians will not be accorded the same privileges as other invitees. For example, none of them will be given complimentary sparklers."

"Everyone will have sparklers except the Iranians?" I asked.

"Yes, and they're going to feel like total idiots," Gibbs said. "They'll just have to stand around with their hands in their pockets, or wherever it is Iranians put their hands when they don't have sparklers to wave."

"Some people think the invitation to the Iranians should have been withdrawn altogether," I said.

"Sparkler deprivation is only part of their punishment," Gibbs continued. "They will also be turned away at the hot dog and soda pop lines."

"No hot dogs or sodas for the Iranians?"

"The President has made it crystal clear: Kill your people for protesting an election -- no free hot dogs from Uncle Sam. He has drawn a line in the mustard."

"What about the fireworks display?" I asked. "Will they be allowed to watch?"

"We will ask that they close one eye," Gibbs said. "But we're not sure we can trust the bastards."

Obama Kills Raccoon After CNBC Interview

Shortly after President Obama killed a fly with his bare hand during a filmed interview with CNBC, the body of a raccoon that has lived on the White House grounds since 1988 was discovered by Secret Service agents.

"It appears Snuffy was murdered, apparently by a blow to the head," one agent said.

Snuffy, a gift to then-President Reagan by British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, largely stayed out of sight but was well known to White House insiders for his gentle disposition and fetish for sugar cubes.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs initially claimed no knowledge of Snuffy's demise, but later told journalists Obama accidentally killed the raccoon during "some playful roughhousing" immediately after the CNBC interview.

"After the fly encounter, the President's blood was up," Gibbs said. "Mr. Obama was just going to box Snuffy's ears a little, but things got out of hand. Snuffy was old, and he could get cranky when people screwed with him."

An eyewitness to the raccoon's death offered a different account. "The President was looking for trouble," the source said. "He chased Snuffy down, snatched him up by the scruff of the neck, and slugged him with a closed fist. It was awful."

The source said Obama then shouted, "I got the sucker!" -- the same words he used after killing the fly.

A spokesman for PETA said they were saddened by Snuffy's death, but would not seek an investigation.

"Snuffy had a good life," PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said. "We have to believe if Mr. Obama killed him, he must have had a damn good reason."

Obama Appears to Black Student During Math Test

Researchers are suggesting the election of our President has resulted in an "Obama Effect," which is mysteriously causing black students to suddenly score higher on standardized tests.

While the findings are anecdotal, a black college student I interviewed said he witnessed the Obama Effect firsthand while taking a finals math test in May.

"In order to solve a complex equation," Tyrell Washington told me, "I first had to know the product of 12x12. Before Barack was elected, I got it wrong every time."

"Did you know the correct answer?" I asked.

"Yes, but the stereotype said I was expected to underachieve and I fulfilled the prophecy. I always screwed it up and scored lower than the white kids, the Asian kids and an Indian dude named Singh."

"So what happened during your math final,Tyrell? How did you break through 200 years of stereotypical subjugation?"

"Well, there it was again on the exam -- 12x12 -- leering at me like a slavemaster on a Southern plantation. I started to write down 143, and then, miraculously, the face of Barack Obama slowly materialized on the blackboard. He spoke to me."

"What did he say, Tyrell? Did he tell you anything is possible if you have the drive and will to succeed? Did he tell you it wasn't The Man keeping you down, but your very own fear and insecurity? Did he tell you if he could become President, you could certainly learn the times tables?"

"He said, 'It's 144, dumb ass! Put down 144!' "

"The President simply gave you the answer? Isn't that called cheating?"

"No, sir. It's called the Obama Effect."

Saudi King Shows Obama Photos of Wives

Prior to meeting "the wise and gracious" King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, President Obama told journalists one of the reasons for the trip was "to seek his Majesty's counsel." It is unknown if King Abdullah also sought the counsel of the President, but a partially released transcript of their private meeting provides some clues:

"You seek my counsel, Barack?"

"Yes, as I told reporters, you are a wise and gracious man."

"So true. Let me counsel you first about women. Take a look at this picture of my four wives. Actually, I've had dozens of wives, but I only admit to four at a time, heh, heh, heh."

"Please don't punch my shoulder, Your Majesty. Gosh...all I see are their eyes."

"Yes, under the laws of Hijab, I only allow them to view the world through tiny slits in their head coverings. Arab women are sacred life support systems for vaginas, so they must be protected at all costs."

"I never looked at it that way, Your Majesty, but you are wise and gracious to allow them tiny slits in their head coverings."

"They are sublimely pleased to serve me, and in return I give them nice things to wear in the bedroom. After all, I'm worth over 20 billions dollars."

"Only a very wise man could be so rich, Your Majesty. What did you do to earn such a fortune?"

"I was born to it."

"It is obvious, Your Majesty, that I was right to seek your counsel. But as long as I'm here, is there anything you'd like to ask me -- the President of the United States, the leader of the Western world?

"You came to me, Barack; I did not come to you."

Obama to Replace Cadillac with Clown Car

On the heels of his new requirement that all cars must average 35.5 mpg by 2016, President Obama has informed GM it will no longer manufacture its flagship Cadillac after this year.

"The Caddy has existed since 1903," an Obama aide said, "but our new fuel standards make this particular luxury line no longer viable."

Obama has told GM executives he wants the Cadillac replaced by a clown car.

"Barack recalled attending a circus when he was a child, and the thing that impressed him most was the clown car," the aide said. "You have this tiny little auto, and yet it was able to contain six to eight full-size clowns. He never forgot it."

The President threw down the gauntlet this week in a private meeting with GM Chief Executive Fritz Henderson.

Henderson said Obama told him, "If Barnum and Bailey can make a little car that comfortably seats up to eight people, why can't General Motors?"

"I gave him the only answer I could," Henderson said. "I told him, 'Mr. President, we can and will make the clown car the new flagship of GM.' "

Obama said citizens who drive the mini-auto will not be forced to wear a clown suit or paint their faces, "because I think that's something folks will do on their own. It's time we had some fun in this country, and what could be more fun that filling our highways with millions of clown cars driven by millions of clowns?"

Obama said he would personally jump-start GM's kickoff of the new line by dressing as a clown when he delivers the 2010 State of the Union address.

"I haven't actually driven a car since I was 16," Obama said, "but I can picture doing it in my head, and I just know the clown car is good for America."

"He's a laugh a minute," Henderson said of the President, "and plenty smart, too. In just a few weeks he's learned all there is to know about automaking. Send in the clowns!"

Doctor Claims Obama Uses Charisma Enhancer

On the heels of Major League Baseball's suspension of superstar Manny Ramirez for using a banned substance, a former Chicago colleague of Barack Obama says the President was a regular user of "love goddess," a charisma-enhancing drug.

"And judging by his performance in office," said Dr. Horace Higginbottom, "I'm guessing Barack is still on the stuff."

Higginbottom, who still practices family medicine, served on several committees with Obama during the 90s. "On many occasions," he told reporters, "I personally injected Barack with a substance derived from the leaf of the Venus Flytrap, a beautiful but carnivorous plant that attracts and consumes unwary insects."

The doctor said he usually administered the doses after the two men played basketball at the YMCA. "Barack and I would hang out in the locker room until everyone was gone, then I'd give him a shot in one of his butt cheeks."

Higginbottom said Obama confessed that he was shy, withdrawn and had a stutter before being introduced to the charisma booster by a Harvard fraternity brother.

"Everything changed after that first injection. He was suddenly articulate and brimming with confidence and charm. People flocked to him like, well, like flies. He even claimed the drug made his teeth whiter and broadened his smile."

Love goddess is legal with a doctor's prescription, Higginbottom said, "but it's terribly dangerous in the hands of a politician. Charismatics get so accustomed to people doing whatever they ask, they often begin governing with more style than substance."

Sen. John McCain, who called a news conference shortly after Higginbottom's charges became public, said he has never used love goddess or any other charisma-enhancing drug.

Everyone believed him.

Obama Orders New Name for Swine Flu

While President Obama has assured Americans there is "no cause for alarm" over swine flu, aides say he has ordered Homeland Security to begin referring to the illness with a less intimidating name in hopes of avoiding widespread panic.

"The word 'swine' is a bit scary for most Americans," an Obama spokesman explained. "It says socially repugnant, it says no redeeming qualities, it says big and dirty and dangerous. It's a word only a farmer could love."

"What does the President want to call the illness?" I asked.

"Well, we have to remain true to the origins of the disease. We put together some focus groups and almost all of them said they have really good feelings about Porky Pig."

"The Looney Tunes character?"

"Exactly. From now on, all government agencies will call the illness the Porky Pig flu. Swine flu is frightening as hell, but nobody's scared of Porky Pig."

The spokesman said Washington -- like the Mexican government -- is also prepared to pass out millions of paper breathing masks to U.S. citizens. There is concern, however, that Muslims might take offense at non-believers covering their faces.

"We don't want them to think we're mocking Islam," the spokesman said. "To allay those fears, the Porky Pig flu masks will be imprinted with a message that makes their purpose perfectly clear."

"What message is that?"

"Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!"